Me and Heidi Klum

I’ve had some recent dental problems and needed to see a regular dentist, an endodontist, and an oral surgeon. For several reasons it became obvious to me and Scott that I needed a new regular dentist. I’d suspected for some time that a change might be in the cards, or in the teeth, if you will, so I had the new dentist already picked out.

I arrived at the new dentist’s office with all my paperwork in order. The girls in the office were impressed with how organized I was because I gave them a typed list of all my medicines, vitamins, surgeries, insurance information, address, phone numbers, emergency contact information, and a history of my recent dental problems. I still had to copy all that information to their official forms because doctors and dentists like to read messy handwriting instead of typed stuff, but then I was ready to see the new dentist. First they told me they’d want to take a picture of me to keep in my dental file. I imagine this is in case someone else wants to go to the dentist for a new dental drilling and amalgam filling in my place. Anyway, I agreed that they could take a Polaroid picture. I smiled, the girl snapped the button, and out popped the picture. The girl showed it to me, asked if it was ok or would I want her to take another shot. I looked at it very calmly, quickly realized that her camera might be defective, but didn’t want to dampen her enthusiasm with the camera or her photography skills.

I expected to see a photo depicting my uncanny resemblance to Heidi Klum but the photo she showed me was one that depicted my uncanny resemblance to my mother. Now don’t get me wrong, my mother was quite beautiful, but I had so hoped for a photo of me looking like Heidi. Okay, an older by a whole bunch Heidi, but still somewhat resembling Heidi. The only likeness between me and Heidi in this photo was that we both had eyes, a nose, a mouth, a chin, and blond hair. Maybe my features were in slightly different places, a little bit lower due to some sagging and a few wrinkles, but the photograph totally failed to pick up on the similarities between us.

Following my appointment I knew what I had to do; I needed to quickly get over to Macy’s Estee Lauder cosmetics counter and see Simone. She has been helping me maintain the Heidi Klum look for a couple of years now. I knew she’d be sympathetic to my situation and would help me find a way to correct it. She sat me on the make-up stool, studied my facial state of affairs and advised me to get some blue eye-shadow and a new foundation. She also told me that a new upgraded wrinkle cream might make a big difference, but she said I should wait until next week to buy the cream because she doesn’t want me to miss the upcoming “free gift with purchase” promotion. The free gift with purchase promotion thing works like this: I pre-order what I want, meet a certain monetary minimum, qualify for the free gift with purchase, pay for it, and go home without any of it. My upgraded wrinkle cream and the free gift with purchase stuff remains in a bag behind the Estee Lauder counter with my name on it. In a couple of weeks when the actual promotion begins, but the pre-order time is over, I can go pick up the new upgraded wrinkle cream I already paid for along with the free gift with purchase stuff. Usually by then Simone has had some time to ponder my particular case and can make several more suggestions for products I might find helpful.

Even I know the “free gift with purchase” is not really free because the whole phrase ends with the word “purchase.” I think of it more as a prize for spending lots of money on stuff I may or may not need only because I want the free gift with purchase. I always get the free stuff because they see me coming and want to reward me with the prize for being the easiest to be fooled make-up customer. I try only to buy make-up when there is a free gift with purchase prize attached and then I will buy something whether I really need it or not just so I can get the free stuff.

Recently I got a big bunch of stuff because the make-up I purchased had a free gift with purchase so I got that loot, and then as I wandered about the store I noticed a big sign informing the customers that if they spent a total of $50 on make-up from any of several different make-up vendors Macy’s would give them an additional free gift worth $75 of all kinds of stuff from several make-up companies. So I went around to all the make-up counters and bought some more stuff to bring up my total receipts to the required $50 and asked for my $75 free gift. I’d already forgotten about the $50 I spent because I had so much free stuff.

The $75 box was chock full of goodies that promised to get me all fixed up. There was eye cream, wrinkle filler, perfume samples, moisturizer and some other stuff to help me get to work reclaiming my Heidi Klum resemblance. I began that very night using the free night repair and lifting cream. I’ve used it faithfully for two weeks and asked Scott how he thought it was working. He said I looked un-repaired and would most likely need to continue the treatment for an extended period of time. I told him the night repair and lifting stuff cost about $80 and I was out of the free sample. He took a second look and said he thought I might look a bit more repaired and lifted than he had noticed at first glance.

Along with the new blue eye-shadow and foundation I already have, and the upgraded wrinkle cream and free gift with purchase stuff Simone is holding for me behind the Estee Lauder make-up counter, I should be on my way to looking like Heidi Klum soon.

And then I’m getting a new photograph in my file at the new dentist’s office.